MAY 14th

You have an uncanny knack for being confused with employees in every retail store you go into. You must remember to stop wearing orange when you go into the Home Depot. One day when a customer will start berating you for not going into the back room to check on an item you will choose between explaining that you don’t work there and setting this person on fire. You will make the wrong choice and calmly explain that you do not work there. You have an easy-going manner that lures people into a sense of security where they can tell you all their problems. As you make copious mental notes, you will allow them to tell you their darkest and dirtiest secrets. You will then demand blackmail but you’ll screw the whole blackmail thing up by demanding a hug instead of cold hard cash. You ever try to buy a pet robot shark that is fluent in Portuguese and also has a close personal relationship with President Carter with a hug? It simply doesn’t work. You need to modify your approach. Lastly, you dream about growing a lawn on the hood of your car.

Your lucky numbers are 9 14 19 94 and Marty

If you’re in Germany, you call it cool Toby stauff