April 31st - MAY 13th

You’re the type who goes on ghost tours, watches television specials about haunted castles and pays to get their palm read but spends the entire time complaining about how people who believe this type of stuff are stupid. Some would say that you’re a jerk. Toby doesn’t- well, not to your face at least. Instead, you just really enjoy wasting your time while ruining all the fun for everybody else. Sure, you’ll probably die miserable and alone in a Walmart that keeps playing the same Toby Keith song over and over again. Your death will probably happen after a several decades of pushing those around you away due to pointless arguments over whether a spork can be considered plastic silverware and if plastic silverware is an oxymoron unless the plastic is painted silver. Your professional life will be mired by continual setbacks as other, less qualified people being promoted over you because they have better people skills. This may sound like a bleak prediction but you will find solace in watching fantasy and science fiction movies by yourself over and over again while consuming huge quantities of Handi Snax while drinking melted butter. Sounds nice to me.

You don’t have any lucky numbers so stop crying about it. Baby.

Do your best angry otter impersonation. No, that sucked. Now you have to make it up to me by buying some Toby stuff.